I figure that i'll be very tired tomorrow if i stay up to blog, but it doesn't matter i couldn't care less. I'll be tossing around even if i turn in now. I've so much to say.
Family : Father. And. Mother. I. Love. You/-
Seriously, now that dad's away to Indonesia, i kinda miss him already. Despite everything, the quarrels that we had, all the disagreements, I guess he's the one that rly understands me. We're so alike. Why is it that everytime i hang out with my family without my Dad around i feel out of place? Mom says that she has to give more of her love to my sisters since they're younger and receive lesser notice and i'm eldest and more mature and that i'll understand. But most of the time, i'm feeling very hurt that sometimes when i'm walking together with Mom and one of my sister, i'll be left Behind. It's really way behind. I know i should be more sensible but that kind of dejected feeling is unbearable. That was when i just wished i hadn't joined them in the first place. It's not the first time, neither is it the second. I just wish this would stop. As in, not to change them but to change me. That's the whole point.
And then my sister.
I just realised that i don't know her well enough. Maybe i didn't rly do my part as a sister, or that i've alrdy decided not to bother that much since she's alrdy so loved by my mom. I don't know. She doesn't tell me her things that much, i don't know what she's thinking at all. Sometimes i'm rly very upset that i'm not close to my sisters. It's like they'll only come when they need me. Or is it just me, selfish? Mom says i have the ability to make the family happier, to make home a better place. She says i make them laugh. Then why couldn't i make myself laugh? And why isn't my sister there to pick me up when i'm down? Sigh, I rmbr i longed for an elder brother since i was very young. Even till now, I still do admire those people with elder brothers. If i had one, will things change much?
There's violin tmrw, & i've to face a difficult situation.
Who am I exactly? Now, i'm
confused.24/10/08
